Archive for

Never Been a Planner

Posted on May 31, 2013

I remember when we were putting our wedding together people said, “So what were you thinking?” I would stammer, all I was thinking was, “I just want to marry him. Isn’t that enough?” I didn’t have an iron clad vision of just how things needed to be, because in a sense they were already perfect—he’d asked me to marry him and I had said yes. Everything that was bound to follow the proposal was what I wanted, so I didn’t let the planning of the wedding bother or overwhelm me. My career has been similar to my wedding. I have never had a strong structure to my goals, rather I’ve dug into almost every position I have ever had to prove that there is more…

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Categories: Love, Me, Work

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Vestiges

Posted on May 26, 2013

The thrum of raindrops on the deck kept a steady pace and the curtains fluttered from the occasional breeze. I was standing at the kitchen sink, the scent of breakfast clung to the morning air as the girls delivered sticky plate after sticky plate to the counter. The slap of their bare feet rang through the house as they scattered to their rooms. Water sizzled, as it hit the still-hot frying pan, sending up a plume of steam. I ran the sponge in circles, the soap’s lather thickening with the heat. The basin begin to fill and my vision blurred with the growing steam. I could hear the girls in the distance and I remembered a time beside another sink in a different house.…

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Categories: Mama Sap

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Truth Hurts

Posted on May 22, 2013

A couple of months ago I made plans to take a day off to take Finley and her sisters, on the last pre-k field trip of the year. I had the niggling suspicion that things would not go as planned. Sure enough, my schedule at work started to grind and churn, each day feeling more and more like a log jam bearing down on me. When the field trip day came I made sure that everyone still wanted to go. Briar looked at me nodding, “Of course we do, Mom.” I smiled remembering her first day of school and the blur of firsts and lasts that followed. Avery looked up at me after lacing her shoes. “Yeah, I want to go, I can tell…

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Categories: Me

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Broken Plug

Posted on May 14, 2013

The concept of unplugging is a thing of beauty. Set aside the phone, close the laptop, hide the remote, and give yourself completely to the three dimensional. The pressure to unplug and the judgement of not doing so has become an oppressive blanket. The divide between those of us who use the online realm for work and those who don’t is a rapidly growing chasm. Essays on “That mom at the playground” abound. Luckily, of all the things I take to heart and struggle to overcome, this kind of judgement isn’t one of them. I want to unplug. I set my phone to silent and tuck it beneath the lamp in my bedroom. The tv isn’t an issue, it holds no real draw. Laptop,…

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Categories: Mama Sap

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Just Like That

Posted on May 13, 2013

I’ve never been good at asking for help. I’m still not. It’s no secret that I’ve been working my way through some things lately. I’ve been circling and searching for something, but the truth is that I just can’t do this one alone. I want to find expressive, profound words for what has happened, not the bad stuff, but the good stuff. I needed help. There was a huge mountain of dread between me and asking for help, but the other night I did. And just like that I wasn’t alone. I think all I really need to say is thank you.

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Categories: Me

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