I remember a friendship break-up from my childhood. We met in the late 70s when my family moved onto a dead-end street. We were the only girls on the block and became fast friends. We enjoyed a fairly long leash that allowed for hours of playing outside. We did it all, from pretending we were roller-skating gymnasts to racing super balls in the gutters with Star War figurines tied to twig rafts. It was in seventh grade that things began to fall apart—new friends, different interests. I was a late bloomer, though I didn’t know it then. As the era of boys standing in corners and girls fluttering back and forth in front of them descended, I lingered near the black top courts during recess, clinging to the time when we all played together,
We had a fight in eighth grade, though I can’t recall exactly what it was about. I painstakingly wrote the lyrics to Elton John’s Your Song in pencil on notebook paper. I may have even recorded it on cassette from the pop station and labeled the tape something pithy. In any case, she was unmoved by my overture. She was in many ways like a first love, the only person that I really I believed was my best friend.
Over the years I’ve had other friendships, but I’ve never again reached that level of wanting a friendship back. Maybe because through her I realized that friendships aren’t promised to last forever. There have been other friends, women I’ve wished to connect with in the way that so many people talk about, but it’s hollow. I know now that there are things about me that make friendship unlikely and I’m ok with that.
When I was asked to review this book, My Other Ex: Women’s True Stories of Leaving and Losing Friends, I wondered if I was qualified. I have online friends, women that I confide in and trust, that I think of when I am hurting, but real friends? Genuine, in-person friends? Not many that fit into the traditional mold (although I have an unexpected friendship realization I’ll be writing about soon.) I decided to sidestep my fear and give it a try, maybe the subject matter would shed light on why friendships can be so hard.
I have to tell you that it was nothing short of revelatory to read the stories in this book. I suppose I’ve had this very juvenile idea that women, normal women, share certain traits that I lack. Then I began reading unflinching stories of lost friendships. I think we all believe, no matter what the unspoken terms of a friendship may be, that we will be protected, that in the moment of conflict our friends will leap to our sides, blind to anything but the need to enforce our alliance. Arnbeya Herndon reveals how it felt to be left undefended. She does so with surprising humor, but you also realize that a heart is breaking. Her story, barely five pages in all, is incredibly powerful. I found myself rooting for her, but also being grateful for the reminder that there are circumstances that reveal character, not always for the better.
The other stories are equally unfettered by happy endings or saccharine editing. I was grateful to ride the emotion and wisdom of stories that owned responsibility, revealed life-long hurt, and acknowledged that relationships are hard work endured by imperfect and lovable people.
After reading it, the soft covers worn and curled by my flipping back and forth from Alexandra Rosa’s story of the friendship that never was and Alison Lee’s story of finding her way back to a friend, and so many other richly unafraid voices, I feel a sense of calm. None of us have it all figured out, though we all share an almost irrepressible hope for connecting and being cherished.
You may not have a specific ex story that comes to mind, but I bet in reading this book you’ll find shades of your own story and maybe, just maybe a mix of forgiveness and hope will take root. The ending feels much more like a beginning, with Katrina Anne Willis saying, “I choose the other side, where love and forgiveness abound. And most importantly, even when someone else might not, I choose me.”
My Other Ex: Women’s True Stories of Leaving and Losing Friendships is available here. I will be lending my copy to a friend of mine, but I encourage you to buy a copy. I am delighted to say that Jessica Smock, one of the editors of the book, is from Upstate New York.
Because I believe in giving books as gifts, I would also like to give away a copy of the book. Please leave a comment, it can be a relationship story or something else. I will announce Sunday who is the lucky winner.
UPDATED:
Sara, Stephanie, and Julie you are winners. Please let me know if you’d like Kindle versions or paperbacks. Janet, I will lend you my copy after Ashley is finished reading it. 🙂
Thank you to everyone for your stories, they were amazing to hear.
Tagged: book review, friendship, grief, life
I think one lesson I will not ever learn is that there is deep untruth to the perception that “everyone” has it better, easier or more. Funny how we try to teach it to our children even though we are still learning it ourselves.
Yes. Saw this yesterday, “Contemplate that as long as you are too focused on self-importance and too caught up in thinking how you are good or bad, you will suffer.
There is so much benefit in letting go of some things, whether it’s hurt, anger, or judgement.
This really hits home for this time in my life. I met my best friend in 1st grade. Minus a brief hiatus during 3rd, due to a silly fight over a swing, we were like sisters through high school. It was her 2nd marriage (to a very not nice person) that divided us, for what I thought was for good. Towards the end of that marriage, we re-connected, and began re-building our sisterhood. It was good, then her dad passed tragically and unexpectedly. I was so grateful we had reconnected so I could be there and support. Things were great for a few years. She re-married, and I became pregnant with my first child, so life circumstances began addinrgg space between us. Fast forward to today. She has two kids under two and we live 50 miles apart. She is having some mental health issues that she, her husband and family seem to be ignoring. I am in that precarious position again of being unsure if and how much to involve myself. Bottom line is, she is like a sister and I love her as so. I will once again act out of love for her and try to protect her, but I have a feeling I may be kicked to the curb again. For how many years…who knows? Wow, did I just write all of that?
Oh, that is so hard. Like the tide rolling in and out. I hope things are gentle on you this time. I love comments, long or short. No worries! Thank you.
Julie, I’d love to send you the book. Can you shoot me an email and let me know if you’d like a Kindle version or a paperback? Thanks. amanda at designtramp dot com
Oh yes, to be connected and cherished. Yes, that. Which is why the topic of female friendships and breakups is so universal. Because we’ve all been through it in some shape and form. And many touch us in ways unexpected.
Thank you for your lovely review. xoxo
So happy to have been a small part in supporting you all. May we all be cherished. xo
I had a friend withdraw from our friendship and phase back to acquaintances. She texted me this past May saying she had a lot of $;(&t going on in her life and it did not have anything to do with me. It felt like a betrayal or abandonment since i did not receive an explanation. I could have used her support through my Dad’s prostate cancer and Alzheimer’s progression. It was an organic friendship that we just got each other. No pretenses. Our children still play together so i have chosen to take the high road and not let it affect the children’s friendship. They still see each other on a regular basis. Thus i still see the Mom at soccer, playdate drop offs. I would appreciate this book and gleaning the experience of others.
She acts like when i see her that nothing is wrong.
How would have you handled a friend’s withdrawal from your life with no explanation?
Oh, man. How would I handle it? With deep and lasting hurt, I imagine. I definitely default to an acceptance that no one will ever be there for me as perfectly as I want them to be. There have been times when I’ve all but murmured to the wind and clouds, “You are my only constants.” I am so sorry. I admire how you’ve been able to continue to be around her. The one thing that I can promise you is that it isn’t just you. Thank you so much for sharing this hard story.
I love this review of such an important book! xox
I think it’s one of those books that I’ll revisit again and again.
My best friends in college and into adulthood were two men. Our bond was shared interests and compatability rather than a deep emotional intimacy, but it worked well for me. About 5 years into my marriage my (soon to be ex) husband became very threatened by them and I eventually had to cut off contact with them because of the conflict. That loss was almost 15 years ago and I still grieve it. It’s a large part of the reason why we are divorcing. Even though I now have a couple of close female friends, the emotional intimacy is difficult for me at times. I wish friendships weren’t so hard for me but I’m glad I’m not the only one.
I am so sorry, Stephanie. I feel ashamed, but I know I’ve had that sort of jealousy and fear about the importance someone had in the life of someone I cared about. I have no idea where that comes from, but personally I’ve been so grateful to ride it out and come through on the other side. I’m sorry your husband didn’t and that you lost those 15 years of friendship. Thank you for sharing this.
Stephanie, I’d want to send you the book-Kindle or paperback. Can you shoot me an email and let me know which you’d like? Thanks. amanda at designtramp dot com
First time commenter. Thank you for sharing your writing – it’s lovely.
Those break-ups in middle school can be devastating. Like you, my best friend started distancing herself in the 7th grade and the break-up was complete in 8th. I wasn’t part of the “cool” crowd and she definitely wanted to be a part of that scene. The whole experience plunged me into a depression that took me several years to work through. I blame it on my experiences with her, but my depression probably would have found a reason to emerge no matter what. Since then I’ve had “friends,” but never anything close to my heart. I really don’t know how to let anyone in to my life in that way (my husband is a dear exception). I worry how I will teach my daughter to be a good friend when I really don’t know how it works.
I’m so glad that you came and that you commented. I was a victim of a fifth grade mean swarm, with just some nasty sneak attacks. They definitely made me question if people were honest, but it certainly didn’t teach me enough to not get hurt again. I think you’ll do just fine with your daughter, she’ll know about kindness.
First time comment gets you a prize 😉
I’m going to send you the book. Can you shoot me an email and let me know if you’d like a Kindle version or a paperback? Thanks. amanda at designtramp dot com
I have a few vivid memories of intense friendships that derailed before time could test them. (I call them Summer Camp friends). While I regret the loss, I can now see that the intensity would have never “burned down” to a comforting ember and perhaps it was a blessing that they ended when they did.
That is such a wise take away!
A few years ago I remember reading “The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood” and thinking sadly that I had never had a pack of girlfriends who would be my tribe the way the women in that book were to each other. Fast-forward a few years and these days I feel incredibly lucky to have a loose-knit tribe of girl and guy-friends who love me, let me cry on their shoulders, go running with me, and scold me when I want to drunk-dial an ex. Working in theatre, where we form such intense bonds and then watch them dissolve over and over as contracts end, is like endlessly breaking up with people. I feel so happy that out of various contracts and gigs have emerged friends who stick with me. I am also learning to be more at peace with the fact that friendships will wax and wane, but the important ones will always be there. It’s taken me a long time to realize this. Those ‘kindred spirits’ we wanted to find when we were girls may take different forms than we expect.
I swear I had that same experience with the Ya-Yas. And I have a background in theatre and you describe it so perfectly, although I do have a couple of people whose friendship after the insane rigors of theatre are still with me. One is coming to visit next month! Your last line is amazing. So, so true. Thank you for reading and commenting!
I am the worst at friendships! My longest ones in childhood/college ended not in angry fights but just petered out gradually, largely because I just couldn’t get past my self and my jealousies and my insecurities during those difficult years of exploring and finding yourself and challenging authority, so I became judgmental and holier-than-thou, and oh dear. Would love to rewind and redo some of those conversations. Now that I’m a mom of three little girls, I am trying to learn from my experience without projecting it onto them. Such a challenge. Thanks for pointing me to this book. Sounds like one I would enjoy.
Oh, Rebecca, I can relate. Thank you for your openness here. As another mom of three girls, I’d say there are a whole lot of challenges that go with raising them without projecting. I’ve said point blank, “Girls can be mean, get ready.”
I had a friend break up with me a few years ago. She wasn’t a close friend, but it still hurt. She said that she needed to scale back on the people in her life, and I pretty much knew it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her getting back with her anti-social, recovering alcoholic ex-husband. I believe they have since remarried and had a baby. So, she clearly made the choice she needed to in order to get what she wanted.
In other news, I still have my best friend from middle school, my best friend from high school, and my best friend from college. We live hundreds of miles apart. The relationships have changed, but the bond is still strong. These are the friendships that matter most to me.
Ouch and yay! I’ve shed a few “friends” that I’m so much better off without, grateful that they “unfriended me.”
When I think of a memory from my teenage years, I can tell how old I was by thinking of who my best friend was at the time. I never managed to keep a friend more than a year, so it makes it easy. I thought I some kind of curse. By the time I was 17/18 I’d given up and only had a boyfriend. An all consuming damaged relationship as I had no one else. I now know that lots of people find friends hard, and have relaxed my defintion and ‘boxing off’ of what a friend is and does- consequently I have quite a few but I could do with some more support, as can everyone probably.
Agreed. I try to keep my heart open a crack, because every once in a while really special people do pop up unexpectedly, and while they may not stay forever, the times with them are pretty sweet.
somehow i think that this book could become a valuable asset as my daughter grows and explores life more and more on her own.
I think it’s got a pretty universal value, though how we each respond to the stories may differ.
I loved the book so much, too. I had a breakup piece in The HerStories Project’s first book, but it had a happy ending. I’ve had a few story with unhappy endings, but I didn’t feel I could share them when the submission process came for the My Other Ex. I am so impressed with the stories shared in this book, and I’ve been recommending it nonstop. So glad you enjoyed it, too, and I look forward to reading about the revelation you had!
So universal, I loved it!
we moved a lot when I was a kid and my mother always gave us a little pep talk about realizing people’s BFP when we met them. BFP stands for “best friend potential.” that simple idea has caused me to find friends in the strangest of places. it has also helped me see that lots of different kinds of people have the potential to be my friend, not always in the way I think I want or even in the way I think I need. and it reminds me that I have the potential to be a friend to someone else, even if it is just for a little while. I have made and lost lots of friends with this idea in mind, but it makes it sort of easier sometimes to see friendship as an ebb and flow where everyone has the “potential” to give and receive. not that loss is not still just as stinging when it happens. just a tool that has helped me shift my perspective sometimes.
I love the potential question because it gives us pause to start each encounter with a bit of intention. Sometimes I move so fast that I think after the fact, which as you can imagine, doesn’t go so well.
I had a friendship end and was surprised that I was the one to end it. I still miss her and will always wonder why our friendship had to change in a negative way before I ended it.
I once mustered the courage to tell a friend that I wasn’t willing to be around whenever it suited her. She would make dates and bail and then call again last minute. I thought she’d miss me or try to repair things, but she never did and I didn’t either. That was more than 10 years ago but it still kind of mystifies me.
I have a friendship that I’ve been struggling with for 10 + years. Probably more like 20. About 2 years ago it ended and of course question myself daily. I was out with friends and headed into a bookstore. While everyone was cruisin’ happily around, I headed to self help. My hand reached out and landed on a similar book as the one you read…The Friend Who Got Away. Twenty women’s true life tales of friendship that blew up, burned out or faded away. I was floored that I was not alone in my angst over this person. It feels like a divorce so the title of “your” book grabbed me. It definately is on my list!
Thanks for your insight. I alwasy look forward to reading anything you write.
Janet, I’m so grateful that you read the posts here. I think on some level it is so comforting to know that we aren’t alone. I swear I look at people and think, “Man, why can’t I have it more together like her?” The truth that I think tickles at us all is that “her” doesn’t exist in the way that we imagine!
I have been looking forward to reading this book for over a year. I almost submit something to the editors but the friendship I was writing about was in the process of crumbling and it was all too close ….
I also loved your review. I ALWAYS wonder if something is wrong with me in that I don’t have a ton of close friends. I have two from college, another from my 20’s but that is it. The rest are aquaintances and when things go south in my life, I often have a tough time reaching out to other people. Your own story makes me feel better.