Posts by amandamagee

From the Lake’s Howls Come Spring

Posted on April 19, 2017

    The first time I heard the lake moan I didn’t know what I was hearing, I imagined a pack of wolves high on the ridge keening. It sounded at once mournful and foreboding. The 9-year-old me pressing hard against 42-year-old me, was all nerves and excitement, “Is it howling?” “It’s the lake,” Sean said with a smile. “Isn’t that wild?” “The lake? The lake is making that sound?” He nodded and held his hand out to me. We walked out on the porch, “Listen.” I turned my body and tilted my ear toward the lake. The sound started on the far side of the lake as a kind of warble that bled into a groan which went on for a full minute. I…

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A New Wrinkle

Posted on April 11, 2017

“Let’s run the West Mountain race together.”   I turned to look at Sean. “Really?” The race was a 5k with multiple obstacles. We aren’t exactly regulars on the road race circuit. Something about it was intriguing though. A part of me feels like we are approaching a moment in time that demands we choose—are we down shifting and settling into easy, or are we continuing to quest? Easy is good, you know?   I like leggings and a t-shirt and puttering around the house. It feels like a treat, but the truth is that my peace and my fire come from exertion. I don’t really want to compete, I have no designs on a 26.1 sticker. I do want to stay invested enough…

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Start New

Posted on March 26, 2017

Friday into Saturday I was in a funk. I tried to push through, moving from one thing to the next like I could outrun it. The funk clung. Sean knows me, recognizes these lows after 18 years together, and has mastered worrying from a gentle distance. He did things to clear my path—setting the girls up with activities, passing me a plate of eggs and bacon, setting a bottle of sriracha next to it and saying “Eat, please.” I felt myself slipping deeper, colors began to mute and I forgot all the reasons I’d been grateful for the weekend to arrive. Despite the clutch of nothingness, I ate. One solid achievement I’ve unlocked in my 40s is to listen to him more often. I still resist…

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Rooted in the land of torn

Posted on March 21, 2017

It seems that there is an inevitable counterweight to pressure, when things at work begin to move quickly, requiring more focus and time, the details at home get trickier. I suppose I signed on for this, I knew that being a mom and being a business owner would multiply the number of things and people who are my responsibility. What I did not understand was that the peace I make with sacrifice and compromise would not be one and done, I go through it over and over again. “I’ve got this.” “I am failing.” “I can’t do this.” “I have to do this.” “What have I done?” “Why do I do this?”I read the words of other women on both sides of this, I read…

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One Day More

Posted on March 19, 2017

  Our arrival to the next phase has been an exercise in time bending. My friend Lindsey Mead often says, “Years are minutes,” which to me is breathtaking in its truth. I can still feel the sensation of nursing the girls, whether for sustenance or to ease an injury. Their tiny heads nestled in my arm, impossibly soft fingers patting my side or stroking my chin. I remember the chill of the hard lift chair at Pico beneath me as I watched the three of them ride the lift alone together for the first time. Just like that, it was over, they ride together now. It was the perfect metaphor for how the success of parenting is in shepherding the kids to be able to…

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