Posts from the “Random” Category

Not Today Means Never*

Posted on July 31, 2016

I was pushing the cart absentmindedly, as I meandered through the store. My head wasn’t in it, hasn’t been in a lot lately. I think in the way trouble comes in threes, sometimes distractions come in clusters. A flurry of things that dizzy me into a rut of, “This sucks” and I let them. It wasn’t until I heard the boy shouting, “Mom, mom!” that I snapped into now. The mom turned, looking every bit as not-there as I felt. “What?” she asked in a weary and annoyed voice. He brandished a red and blue decorated package and held it overheard as he chirped, “Crepes!” His whole face was lit up and I wondered for a minute if the girls might like crepes. “For what?”…

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Too Fast to Track, Too Late to Hope?

Posted on July 8, 2016

Time is moving with little regard for my hopes or desires. The predictable chapters of dating, marriage, first house, first baby, jobs, deaths, second baby, then third baby blur, pages racing faster than I can read or write. I didn’t imagine time would slow, but maybe I thought I could catch up to it. I was going to sign my daughter up for dance, then it was too late. “Most girls are already beyond intermediate, she’ll never catch up.” I was going to create a plan for spring outings, but the season passed. I was going to make dates with my daughters, my husband; I was going to go back to pilates. I didn’t. I haven’t. Not sure that I will. I’ve gone from saying, “I promise”…

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Young Guns

Posted on June 22, 2016

As we walked through the furniture store Finley lagged behind. I slowed my gait and listened for her, wanting to allow her the feeling of being able to go at her own pace, while also staying close enough that I didn’t lose her.   Sean and I were discussing chair colors when I saw her leaning against the wall, her lower lip was trembling. I walked over to her.   “What’s up, babe?”   She shook her head and bit her lip. I knelt down, “You ok?”   She shook her head. “What is it?”   “I was standing in the store and there was a bunny or a squirrel with a gun in its hand pointed at me,” she started to cry. We…

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On These Days

Posted on June 7, 2016

I read yesterday that a remedy for hurt and worry is gratitude, which isn’t to say that a prayer of thanks and a walk in the woods can fix anything, but it can take the edge off for a time. Yesterday’s post and the continued onslaught of rage and incredulity are wearing me down. I’m allowing myself to focus on these days, the moments of being utterly captivated by Finley’s infatuation with the wind through the window. Being reminded of the way the air carries scents and stories and just by closing our eyes we can be transported to another place and time. The moments in a marriage when in the face of overwhelming responsibility and the seeming futility and cursedness of a project, we melt. I can…

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Tides of Motherhood

Posted on May 6, 2016

“We need to get to bed early. All of us!” Sean said in a weary voice. I nodded, my heart racing, that familiar sensation of feeling relieved and slightly attacked at once. I was genuinely excited because the reentry from spring break has not been easy. Emotions have been running high, allergies are raging, school and extracurricular pursuits are bleeding heavily into free time, and the dog is peeing everywhere. I felt like I had somehow failed. I tend to interpret, “We need to ______” as being, “You haven’t ________, so we need to_______.” I tried to override my defensiveness and said, “I’ll get dinner done early, ignore the folding, and make sure the girls are mellow and read a bedtime story.” He immediately said, “I’ll help”…

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