Posts tagged “Confidence

Driving Memories

Posted on November 14, 2014

The drive to Kripalu was intense. My insides roiled with guilt and distraction. I’m still not entirely sure what to expect of this workshop and the girls’ mounting concern about my absence loomed. “Promise me you won’t text,” Sean said to me as we got ready to say goodbye in the parking lot. “I won’t. I promise.” Temptation hit several times, but I kept the phone down, the screen set to the map, which let me know the route I needed to take. No texting, no speeding, just get there, Manda.  I drove in silence for 30 minutes, the scenery changing from urban to suburban, then rural. The drivers outside of Albany moved faster than I realized, the cars surging by, easily 10 miles faster than my 70mph.  I…

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Platitudes That Ring True

Posted on November 10, 2014

I’m sorry. I feel I ought to apologize for a post a day after months of a post a week, tops. I don’t know who subscribes to my blog, my nifty analytics tell me things about where you come from—thanks Blog Lovin’ and Networked Blogs, Love you Stumble Upon and Facebook! I have spent all these years really just hoping that the writing would matter to someone. The ins and outs of how and where kind of eluded me. Until NaBloPoMo. There is a woman who subscribes to my blog and has, through no fault of her own, chosen the first weeks of NaBloPoMo to take her vacation. What this means is that I have gotten an out of office reply from her every day…

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On Lucky Pennies & Staying a Kid

Posted on November 7, 2014

Pennies peeking out along the edges of sidewalks still stir something in me. I dust them off and tuck them in my pocket. I rub my thumb along the face and think quietly, “You might come in handy.” If a penny isn’t heads up, I’ll kneel down, flip it over, give it a tap, and say, “Be good luck for the next person.” I always walk away feeling luckier. I stop for sparkles and toy jewels, scraps of paper, and rocks. Round rocks, flat rocks, stones with sparkles, clumps of broken concrete, doesn’t matter, if it catches my eye I will bend down and take a closer look. Sometimes I’ll carry the little treasures in the pocket of my coat and forget them for months, or ride…

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Passionate Distortion-Making Sense of Life

Posted on October 13, 2014

I remember the first time I took the girls to Target as a reward. They had helped me clear leaves in the backyard and I had told them that I would take them to the store to pick out a treat. It just didn’t occur to me how difficult it would be for them to manage the sensory assault. Each aisle made their eyes a bit wilder, each new shelf of LEGOS, Barbie, and My Little Pony made them blurt, “This, this is it.” “Easy, easy. Take a minute, just walk with me and let’s try to decide which thing is the most interesting,” I said walking and scanning the shelves. “Ok,” Ave said as she tossed a box back into a bin and took…

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Quiet Your Doubt

Posted on October 6, 2014

“I wish I could shower without my thoughts,” I said to Sean absentmindedly as I towel dried my hair. I’d been doing battle with people who haven’t listened, replaying conversations that are already inked and smudged beyond repair. He looked at me and took a deep breath, I felt my shoulders go up in defensive anticipation and then back down. “Me too,” he said and smiled gently. “Hard to turn it all off sometimes.” It felt pretty good to not be judged, but my mind immediately set itself back to judging—flitting from why I chirp “yup” during conference calls to the clothes hanging  in the closet, to the roller coaster of 40something skin (Is it a break out? Is it flaking dry skin? Is…

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