Posts tagged “Confidence

Leave it all on the Field

Posted on February 16, 2015

Yesterday I was in a frenzy to get the house clean, the girls ready, and our gear set for a business trip in the city. The girls were remarkably chill, abandoning their tendency toward tears or anxiety about my leaving. Still, it was nerve-wracking, the ever-present, “Will I be good enough?” rattling around in my head. The strangest thing happened, each time I thought there would be an obstacle—the weather, running late, the weather, texts of a tummy bug at home, the weather—the obstacle didn’t triumph. Three minutes to spare for the train. An extra pair of gloves. A text that everyone went to sleep. A warm bench seat and a wide-screen playing the SNL 40th show. This morning my nerves were operating at…

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Why is Self-Care so Hard?

Posted on February 10, 2015

Yesterday was the kind of day that triggers my need for time, or more sinister, ignites my sense that I don’t ever get any time. It was a snow day. The marriage of work and home becomes brittle on snow days, as the things I needed to do for work, the people who I had to talk to still blink at me from my calendar, while the girls’ faces glow from the sensation of getting away with something and the day suddenly having new possibilities; I resent both, which nearly suffocates me with guilt. If I can stay ahead of things I keep panic at bay, which is why after the pre-dawn alert from school I considered things to do. I plotted chores for the girls between snow…

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Use What Works, Discard the Rest

Posted on December 31, 2014

Growing up didn’t involve a lot of lectures for me. My mom gave me just enough structure that I knew where the boundaries were, but for the most part she said things like, “Listen to your insides. If it hurts…if you feel wrong…if they make you be someone else…” She gave me a good compass. What I didn’t know was how forcefully people would pressure me throughout my life to feel they way that they do—   to diet when they do to overindulge when they do to slack off, to stress out…you name it.   I thought I’d create a gentle space here. No challenges to create resolutions, no declarations that all of must do x, y, or z. Hopefully these are just…

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Driving Memories

Posted on November 14, 2014

The drive to Kripalu was intense. My insides roiled with guilt and distraction. I’m still not entirely sure what to expect of this workshop and the girls’ mounting concern about my absence loomed. “Promise me you won’t text,” Sean said to me as we got ready to say goodbye in the parking lot. “I won’t. I promise.” Temptation hit several times, but I kept the phone down, the screen set to the map, which let me know the route I needed to take. No texting, no speeding, just get there, Manda.  I drove in silence for 30 minutes, the scenery changing from urban to suburban, then rural. The drivers outside of Albany moved faster than I realized, the cars surging by, easily 10 miles faster than my 70mph.  I…

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Platitudes That Ring True

Posted on November 10, 2014

I’m sorry. I feel I ought to apologize for a post a day after months of a post a week, tops. I don’t know who subscribes to my blog, my nifty analytics tell me things about where you come from—thanks Blog Lovin’ and Networked Blogs, Love you Stumble Upon and Facebook! I have spent all these years really just hoping that the writing would matter to someone. The ins and outs of how and where kind of eluded me. Until NaBloPoMo. There is a woman who subscribes to my blog and has, through no fault of her own, chosen the first weeks of NaBloPoMo to take her vacation. What this means is that I have gotten an out of office reply from her every day…

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