Posts tagged “life

Mom, are you there?

Posted on February 27, 2015

The text made my phone vibrate on the metal table downstairs. I let it go as I curled my hair. Lately I’ve felt too bound by the siren of notifications from my phone. I’ll get it later, I thought as it rattled again. The phone rang, Beso barked, and Finley stood in the doorway with a worried look, “Mom, I can’t find my hat.” Sean was standing next to me shaving. “Did you put it in the cabinet?” I asked. “Yesterday when we came home you were trying to remember if you had your gator.” “No, I didn’t put it in the cabinet, I already checked,” she said mournfully. “Let’s see, did you put it on the chair? You had your coat on the chair…

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Leave it all on the Field

Posted on February 16, 2015

Yesterday I was in a frenzy to get the house clean, the girls ready, and our gear set for a business trip in the city. The girls were remarkably chill, abandoning their tendency toward tears or anxiety about my leaving. Still, it was nerve-wracking, the ever-present, “Will I be good enough?” rattling around in my head. The strangest thing happened, each time I thought there would be an obstacle—the weather, running late, the weather, texts of a tummy bug at home, the weather—the obstacle didn’t triumph. Three minutes to spare for the train. An extra pair of gloves. A text that everyone went to sleep. A warm bench seat and a wide-screen playing the SNL 40th show. This morning my nerves were operating at…

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Why is Self-Care so Hard?

Posted on February 10, 2015

Yesterday was the kind of day that triggers my need for time, or more sinister, ignites my sense that I don’t ever get any time. It was a snow day. The marriage of work and home becomes brittle on snow days, as the things I needed to do for work, the people who I had to talk to still blink at me from my calendar, while the girls’ faces glow from the sensation of getting away with something and the day suddenly having new possibilities; I resent both, which nearly suffocates me with guilt. If I can stay ahead of things I keep panic at bay, which is why after the pre-dawn alert from school I considered things to do. I plotted chores for the girls between snow…

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Working & Mom—We All Do It

Posted on January 30, 2015

I don’t want to fight about who works harder—dads don’t have it easier, stay at home moms don’t have it easier, people without kids don’t have it easier. Honestly, we’re all just doing the best we can between screw ups, unexpected wins, and deep heartache. None of that matters though, not in the big picture, or even the little picture. Every damn day I am just trying to not do or say things that will leave me with a hideous pit of, “Why did I do that?” Briar found my blog two weeks ago. Somehow in the time between buying her a phone and her discovering Safari, it never once occurred to me that she would find my blog. I was sitting at my…

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Use What Works, Discard the Rest

Posted on December 31, 2014

Growing up didn’t involve a lot of lectures for me. My mom gave me just enough structure that I knew where the boundaries were, but for the most part she said things like, “Listen to your insides. If it hurts…if you feel wrong…if they make you be someone else…” She gave me a good compass. What I didn’t know was how forcefully people would pressure me throughout my life to feel they way that they do—   to diet when they do to overindulge when they do to slack off, to stress out…you name it.   I thought I’d create a gentle space here. No challenges to create resolutions, no declarations that all of must do x, y, or z. Hopefully these are just…

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