My life is measured in a staccato fashion, with the hours being broken into minutes and the minutes being broken into directives.
Orange juice.
Snack.
Wipe me.
Hold me.
Ad copy.
Furnace service.
Hygiene (rarely mine)
I am trying to be present. Just this morning, with Sean away for work, I was struggling to get the girls ready for school. Finley won’t wear but one pair of shoes, Briar gave her a different pair. Ave can’t zip her coat and needs to know which shoe goes on which foot. Briar get hungry at the door. I was ready to yell, but something made me stop. It was as if time froze and I held my tongue. I dropped my head, looked back up at those six impossibly blue eyes and said in a raspy voice, “Just help mama get you out, ok?”
Later, driving by myself back from the gym I hear a song. Normally I’d change the channel knowing it would make me cry, but today I gave myself to it.
How could that beautiful women with you
Be the same freckle face kid that I knew
The one that I read all those fairy tales to
And tucked into bed all those nights
And I knew the first time I saw you with her
It was only a matter of time
But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she’d find you someday
But its still hard to give her away
I loved her first
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
Someday you might know what I’m going through
When a miracle smiles up at you
I loved her first
It’s country and the day is not yet here, but the sentiment is true.
There are only so many nights for tucking in, only so many mornings of pre-dawn cuddles. I am at the thick of it, the cacophony of needs and demands never so strong as at this moment with one baby, one toddler and one “he asked me to marry him, will you buy my dress?” kindergartener.
I need to be here.
Work is work and must be done, but these are my days, whether I mean as the mother of my daughters, the lover of my husband or the architect of my dreams. It won’t come easy and I won’t always make the right choices, but the more minutes I can spend in today rather than tomorrow or yesterday, the better we’ll all be for it.
Are you here? Today?
I’m reading this after having been up (and back down) the stairs no less than 10 times in the last 40 minutes to my boys who will not, for the love of all things holy, just GO TO SLEEP.
I’m here, but right now? I honestly don’t want to be…just for a little while, I want some quiet that doesn’t = me being asleep.
But I go up the 11th time because I need to – because no matter how silly it seems to me, when they yell mama they need me. And I need to be there for them.
Love the new site (though it is wide on my screen, so I have to sideways scroll, but it’s probably because I’m using Chrome or on my lappy…) =)
Oh how I try to remember this but I still blow up more often than not and I feel guilty for it. I’m supposedly starting on some medication to regulate my moods, etc. but my doctor seems to be dismissing me. Paired with the tragedy in Haiti, I’m a mess. But I love my kids and I try try try to not be a grouch. I want them to not remember their childhoods with a cranky mom.
I love the new site.
I am here, and gonna follow you no matter where you move your site 🙂
Nice layout, makes me want to curl up in bed with the husband.
i needed this post. i needed this reminder. and as always i will follow you anywhere. loving the new look and loving that it’s still just you. always inspiring with your beautiful words and your beautiful girls.
You know how I love you and your encouraging words. Thanks friend. And I like the new place you have!!! It’s like home.
You do it all perfectly, for all of them, every day. You may not think you do, but you DO.
I’m here. And I loved this post.
Your site looks incredible.
It’s so very hard to just be in the minute. But I know just how you feel. Those minutes are ticking away much too quickly and I wish I could learn to live a little in each one.
Love love love the new site!!!