Akin to another rape
UPDATE: Please be aware that this post may be a trigger. The content of the post may be graphic and reignite distress.
I am not one to jump on pop-culture or political hate trains, but every once in a while something happens that is too important not to address. It wasn’t a week ago that Sean and I were talking about the future in store with three daughters. This happens each year as we approach the back-to-school gauntlet. We probably jumped too far ahead, thinking about how we have to teach them how to protect themselves from mean girls and aggressive boys. Before I knew it we were talking about the girls driving.
“If they want to go on a date, that’s fine, but the boys can’t drive. I drove like a bat out of hell, so no teenage boy is going to drive them. Period.” As I tend to do when he makes these sorts of declarations, I chuckled and shook my head. “Babe, they’ll just switch seats at the end of the road, which is more dangerous and then the boy will spend the rest of the night proving himself which will lead to faster driving. It won’t work.” We swayed for a bit in imagining what we can’t yet know.
I looked at him, “we have a lot of decisions to make. Like how much do we tell them? Do I tell them that I was a smoker? Do I tell them about being raped? I don’t know if it helps or hurts.” He didn’t hesitate before saying, “You tell them everything.”
I nodded, knowing that at some point they will need to hear that I made poor decisions (smoking) and that I was unable to protect myself (rape). I will need to say, “I made the decision to smoke. I also made the decision to quit.” A day will come when I will tell them, “I never thought it could happen to me, I thought I was safe and that I was strong. I was raped.”
I was seventeen and I didn’t know him. I was less than 4 blocks from my house. I was stone cold sober. He held me down. He ignored my pleading, ignored my crying, overpowered my kicks and fighting. He forced himself between my legs and in my mouth. He used me as if I belonged to him. I tried going absolutely limp, thinking it would make a difference. Nothing slowed his brutal thrusting. Tears slipped from the corners of my eyes and I looked out the window and stared at a distant street light. Despite being at the center of what he was doing, it was like I wasn’t there.
It was my gagging and vomiting from his forcing himself in my throat that finally made him stop. I remember standing in the shower shaving between my legs and holding the shower head, with the water set to scalding, inside of me until I couldn’t stand it anymore. No matter what I did I could not wash him away. I did not have to decide what to do with a pregnancy. I just had to try and find a way to carry on even though the sensation of his hair in my throat would choke me in the middle of class.
It’s been so many years since it happened, but I could still drive you to the exact spot where he parked the car that he wouldn’t let me get out of. I could walk you to the gutter that I hid in after running from him, while I listened to the violent rumble of the engine as he drove around the neighborhood looking for me. I can describe what it felt like to worry that he would see me near my house, that he would think he could do it to me again.
Yesterday, like so many of us, I clicked on a link to the “shocking things” said by US Representative Todd Akin about victims of rape.
“First of all, from what I understand from doctors, (pregnancy from rape) is really rare,” Akin told KTVI-TV in a clip posted to YouTube by the Democratic super PAC American Bridge. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
Akin added: “But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something. I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child.”
This man has been in office for 6 terms and this is what he said after Twitter, Facebook, news outlets and radio programs lit up with wave after wave of response to his comments:
Akin said in an emailed statement later Sunday that he “misspoke” during the interview, though the statement did not specify which points or comments.
“In reviewing my off-the-cuff remarks, it’s clear that I misspoke in this interview and it does not reflect the deep empathy I hold for the thousands of women who are raped and abused every year,” Akin’s statement said.
Akin also said in the statement he believes “deeply in the protection of all life and I do not believe that harming another innocent victim is the right course of action.”
I never imagined that I would share this story here. I write about being a mom, about my work, and about my love. Yet here I am, sharing something I would rather not have the people in my community knowing about me. I run a business, I have people who don’t like me, people who compete with me. I like to have some modicum of control over what I share, not because I am embarrassed by what happened to me, but because I can. I can have a private side, I can keep my hurt safe and away from judgement or opinion. It’s my choice.
I have three daughters who I will do everything I can to equip with strong minds and bodies. I will prepare them for hard decisions and warn them about unexpected danger. Like so many other parents, I’ll try to divert them from the paths I wish I hadn’t walked (willing or unwillingly), but I will not succeed in keeping them unharmed. I cannot. What I can do is speak up when I have the chance, cast a ballot, share a story or own a mistake in order to help shape a society that will help them heal. I cannot help but interpret what Todd Akin said as being akin to another rape. It isn’t that I am wildly pro-choice and think that every pregnancy should start with a, “Shall we terminate or shall we take it to term?” kind of debate.
I do feel that when a woman is used for sex against her will and when that violent act produces a pregnancy it is the woman, girl or girl along with her guardians, who should have the option to select what should happen next. No senator, mayor, representative or judge should say whether or not a woman or girl will house, nurture and bring into the world a physical manifestation of a violent act. If we are going to dissect the issue, her life comes first. It is her body. It is the one choice she has and in some cases she may very well choose to follow through with the pregnancy, who knows? But it should be up to her. Anything else is a continuation of the assault and revocation of her right to decide for herself.
Rape changes you. You don’t ever outgrow, rise above, or erase being raped. It becomes a part of your forever. It makes you think things like, “You know what, maybe you should use a different word than rape to describe how much they charged you for something at the dealership,” and it makes you think, “Joking about rape is not ok,” but mostly it makes you think, “Unless you have been raped, you don’t have any say in what I do to heal after my rape.”
I am choosing to share this because I cry during every pap smear. I cringe every time a movie features a rape. The victim, the survivor, the daughter and the mother in me cannot contribute to building a country that will say to a woman made pregnant against her will that she has no choice. I cannot stand by as men redefine the definition of rape. I cannot keep the graphic nature of my own story quiet while others who are paid to be ready to talk, to know their shit, speak “off the cuff” and suggest that there is a kind of biological magic that happens after a rape.
Rape removes any choice. Narrowing the interpretation of rape and limiting access to the option to have an abortion after a rape are one more way of stripping women of their voices.
Use your voice.
(((u)))
I so agree with you. The ignorant comments by this politician cannot be excused by his equally flippant, “I misspoke” statement. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s never easy but please know that sharing your story helps bring these ugly tales out in the light where they belong and they add to the millions of other women’s voices saying, “We will not continue to feel ashamed of what we did not ask to happen.”
I was 13. My rapist was my brother. I became pregnant and had an abortion arranged by my parents as they swept the entire event under the rug.
Thank you for sharing your story! It took great courage to do so.
I’m so sorry for what happened to you. And I’m so sorry you had to share it because someone said such stupid things
Such beauty. Such grace. Everything I have EVER known you to be and more. Your courage in the face of something that is so clearly private and still painful is extraodinary.
Your daughters are lucky to have such a shining example in you – a woman willing to speak up, to use her voice to make their world a better place.
You are an inspiration. Though it may sound hollow…. please know I am so very sorry you had to endure this and still live with those memories. Sending you love, my friend. xoxo
Thank you.
I’m sorry, and thank you, and huge respect for sharing this with us, with your girls. xoxo
Oh God. I really don’t have the words. Thank you for writing this, for sharing this. I cried when I read it.
Thank you for using your voice, and for encouraging us to use ours as well. xoxo
On behalf of all survivors – thank you for sharing your story.
Your daughters will be proud of you. xo
Love you. So much.
My heart breaks for the 17 year old you who went through that horror and the you today who is still recovering. How awful.
I applaud your bravery in talking about this.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry this happened to you or that it continues to happen every day to people all over this world. You have shown incredible courage and strength. You are amazing!
Wow. Very brave of you to share!
Thank you for speaking out–on several levels. Unforgivable what was done to you and unforgivable that a woman should be victimized yet again by being forced to give birth to baby born of rape.
Thank you for this post. If only you didn’t have such experience to draw from. No one should.
Thank you for telling your story. You have helped others today. xo
Thank you for sharing.
Yep. We’ll tell them everything. You lead by example. Love you.
There is nothing that will be ever be acceptable about what happened to you. What is unacceptable is that we are living in a time when we must fight to justify why it’s unacceptable. Why these narrow definitions are not just wrong, but that they are personally insulting and incredibly, there-are-no-words-for-it, dangerous.
They say some bloggers overshare, some undershare. Over, under, or or anything in between, the fact is we will care. This community will always care. Sending hugs.
Hi~this is the first time I’ve ever been to your blog…Heather Spohr sent me here via Facebook.
I just have to say: thank you! Thank you for sharing this most intimate of details from your life with such grace. And for speaking such words of wisdom. Not only will your daughters benefit from your wisdom, but all the others who come here and read your story and learn about the after-effects of rape (down to the pap smears & the way the word “rape” is so loosely used in our society–we often forget how much that hurts those who actually have been hurt by the act.)
And thank you for all the women you’ve helped heal a wee bit just by sharing your story. What you happened to you was unjust, unfair, unforgivable. What happened(s) to other raped/molestation/attempted-rape victims is equally unjust, unfair, unforgivable.
And you’re right: narrowing the interpretation of rape and limiting access to the option to have an abortion after a rape are one more way of stripping women of their voices.
Thanks for speaking up for all women!
Thanks for sharing. It is women like you who are brave enough to step forward today to stop cretins like this from ever getting elected again. You and your kindred spirits have awakened the fight in all of us to stand up against this ignorant man from having the power to abuse with his words and actions. Your girls can be really proud of you !
I am full of sorrow at what was taken from you, and horror that there are those who use their power to perpetuate the trauma. I have no words to express my anger and my deep desire to make it not so. But I am moved by your bravery — as a 17 year old, and now — to continue to live your life on your own terms. Your daughters have an unbelievable role model in you. Thank you for sharing with all of us.
Thank you for coming and reading these words. I am still shaky with having published it, written so quickly and as I still trembled with incredulity at what had been said. Please hold on to how this made you feel and call on it when you hear something that simply isn’t right.
Thank you.
Happened to me in college. I wrote about it on my blog and called it fiction because I am nowhere near as brave as you. I knew we had a lot in common, wish this wasn’t one of the things. Hugs, my friend.
Sorry I wasn’t around for your message earlier.
I’m very proud of you, you know.
I’m e-mailing the rest.
You are mighty.
Thank you for sharing. Fortunately, I have never had that experience of being raped and hope I never do. But having friends who have been, so my heart does go out to all survivors of abuse.
Beautifully said and bravely shared – thank you.
Amazing. I know too many lives that have been forever changed to have some ridiculous, ignorant man assert that there is such a thing as “legitimacy” to it all. Shame on him, and shame on anyone who sees even an ounce of merit to his sick thought process. And as a mother of 3 girls myself, the courage that it will take to “tell them everything” … It is simply overwhelming, and yet, may serve us all well in the end.
This is beautiful and powerful and I really don’t have the words to say except it took real courage to write this, and I applaud your bravery. You are a gem.
I adore you and your bravery. xo
Thank you for your story and your courage to share it. You are making a difference.
This post is so powerful and brave. I am so sorry this happened to you.
Thank you for sharing this – the dialogue is important… the silence needs to continue to be broken… especially in the wake of idiots saying things that re-victimize survivors.
I understand the shakiness and anxiety that comes after hitting the “publish” button. Thank you for doing it. You are truly an amazing woman.
Oh, Amanda, I am incredibly sorry that you experienced something so terrible, and I am so impressed with your courage to share it. You are setting such a remarkable example for your girls. Thank you for speaking the truth. (((HUGS)))
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Thank you for opening the eyes of many people… It must have been very difficult to write about this terrifying experience. You are amazingly brave and strong.
I’m sorry this happened to you
Thank you for sharing… I promise to use my voice.
Thank you for sharing.
Yoy are very brave & very courageous. I cannot say I agree on every point but I am so thankful that there are brave & articulate people like you in this never ending debate in our country. You bring a voice to so many innocent victims.
Tough, tough subject. And I wish I could say it is black or white – pro-choice, pro-life – one is right and one is wrong. You have a unique perspective, born of pain and horror. And while I would consider myself “mostly” pro-life – I cannot say that anyone should ever be forced to bear a child from an experience like that. It’s easy for people to discuss the subject philosophically, and not from experience.
I work with a young girl, young to me anyway. She is 22. She told me the other day that if her parents found out she was having sex, they would kill her. I’m not so sure that wasn’t meant to be literal. But when I asked why she was risking pregnancy – she said “oh I would just get an abortion.” I am afraid there are too many young women who think like that, and I find that abhorrent. But I cannot bring myself to support something that would make it impossible for her to do so.
So maybe it’s the thinking about terminating pregnancies that needs to be looked at, not the laws surrounding it. Violence against women can never be tolerated, but neither can ignorant disregard that leads to aborted babies because they are inconvenient.
The Akins guy said something moronic. He needs to drop out of the race and shut the hell up. But please believe me when I say that most conservatives do not agree with what he said and are more flexible on the subject. There are way too many gray areas and I like to err on the side of life. But not at the expense of putting a woman (or girl) through a pregnancy that would be just as traumatizing as the event that caused it.
I am so, so very sorry that happened to you Amanda. And thank you for sharing that, I know it was hard.
You are a beautiful example for all women. For sharing these words, my voice says thank you, and my heart applauds.
Thank you for sharing your story and for letting me know I’m not the only one who gets triggered back to the event by these things – including tv shows and ppl throwing around the word “rape”. You reminded me that even though my event happened many years ago, a support group is always a good idea to know other people go through the same thing. Thank you.
This is my first visit – I found the link on BlogHer.com. I will be back many times to read what you prefer to write about. This is an incredibly courageous expression of your own experience with such an ugly assault and input on the national debate. Thank you. Your daughters are blessed to have so courageous and thoughtful a mother — and it sound like they have a wonderfully understanding dad as well. My heart goes out to you. I hope sharing this turns out to be a food experience for you. It certainly has been for your readers!
What strength – then AND now.
Thank you for sharing this.
I’m standing up and applauding you in my living room. Bravo, strong woman. Bravo.
Amanda,
I love you. Since the first day I met you, I knew you were strong and brave. Then I got to know you. Spend time with you. And I was lucky.
You know a million other pro-choicey reasons why I love you for writing this, thank you for writing this.
Still, above and beyond all of that, you are brave to use your voice and stand-up, speak, and share your story. It’s not easy. Your daughters are very lucky to have you.
They will learn from you. And no, we can’t keep them from all harm; but they will know if anything does happen, that YOU will understand.
Much, much, much love, Amanda.
Love,
Becky
brave and important words, amanda.
thank you for sharing your story.
peace to you.
and shame on akin and the too many others like him.
You okay?
It must have taken so much courage to write about this. Thank you for this beautiful piece. Though I believe in every woman’s right to privacy, those who are willing to share their stories make it so that more people are aware that they “know” someone who was raped. Which, unfortunately, seems to be the best way for people to sympathize, and understand the trauma that can be caused by it, and the way rape can be just as “forcible” emotionally as physically.
Oh Amanda, I’m so sorry you have this story to tell. I have never been raped, but it’s for my friends and even complete strangers who have that I am always vigilant about telling people not to use the word “rape” in a lighter context. As a gamer, I see boys and men toss it around all the time like it doesn’t matter.
I pray for you to have the strength you need when it comes time to talk to your daughters about this.
Oh Amanda… just… love you. I have no other words.
You are a strong woman. You’re girls are lucky to have you.