I’ve been pretty open about the darkness I’ve experienced over the last 12 months. Looking back, there was never a moment when I thought, “Huh, I only write about shiny stuff here, I should explore the underbelly of parenting, marriage, and self-image.” It has felt right to put it out there. My gauge is how I feel when I lean back from the laptop and scan the letters staring back at me. Am I weeping? Do I feel relief or clarity? Every post is a walk or a run, I’m moving toward something and getting there can be smooth and feel effortless, other times it can feel like I should give up entirely. It doesn’t matter which way it goes down, when I hit save/publish/send a part of me feels like I have clicked more into alignment with myself than I was before writing it.
I do hope that someone will connect with what I’ve written, because that is incredible. It’s kind of like when you are walking down the street and you muster the courage to make eye contact with a stranger and smile, maybe even say hello, and then there is that moment when you don’t know what they’ll do. When you see their face change, lighting up with surprise or kindness, it’s amazing.
Hey, you and I, we just did that. We saw each other and we made something from nothing, just by seeing each other.
That’s what writing is like for me, more so since Briar discovered my blog and has taken an interest, going so far as giving me themes to explore. Last night I shared with her that I’d had a piece published on the Washington Post. She smiled and said, “Can I read it?” I turned my laptop for her to read. I watched it dawn on her that the post was inspired by her. As she read I felt like the tables had been turned and that it was my turn to stand there with school work and wait to hear if she was proud of me. All the nights of sitting at the computer typing flashed before me, I remembered the early mornings too. I’ve worked for this, practicing every single day, with the girls and Sean supporting me.
I am proud of the work I’ve done carving out time and space to write, but even more than that I feel so lucky to have a family circling around celebrating with me. It seems fitting that the post was about finding little ways to see good even if life is dark, because it will be, but we can still connect, sparking good out of nothing but our own willingness to try.
I hope you’ll read the post and that you’ll keep coming back here. I’ll be here, typing away with my heart right out in front.